y sobriety date is 7/25/02 To be grateful to have a new life? I would prefer to say I am grateful to have a life now. I had been dead inside for so long before I ever picked up a drink. There was a tiny, tiny spark of light inside me that was life, and I now believe it was my soul that refused to ever fade away throughout my years.

I had no skills in setting boundaries. My childhood, there were too many unhappy or angry people, I was was silently self assigned and unnanmously voted the one to keep the smile and cheer everyone up. Meanwhile I hurt inside, and was searching for inner and outward peace.

I had learned that I will never be good enough, nor never amount to nothing. This wasn't told directly to me from my parents, I just felt it. I didn't get it in school,I never could understand, but who was I to ask for help? My oldest sister breezed through it, the second to the eldest was retarded...and my younger one was always screaming about something. Who the heck was I to ask for help? What was my excuse?

It was long before I started skipping classes and hiding in the bathroom. I loved to draw, but never as good as my oldest sister, so I would draw in the bathroom, pretty pictures, most of them were cartoons. When the tough girls would come in the bathroom I would hide in the stahls from the tough girls for a while because they scared me, and I didn't need more kaos.

Once I was found out, the only way to fit in with the tough girls was to adapt, like a chameleon. Do what I have to do to survive. So I found by smoking cigarettes with them and drawing what they wanted, like my bunnies holding a joint, I wasn't in any danger.

Divorces and moving provided me with attending four high schools and finishing a total of 2 and 1/2 years of high school. I excelled in and looked forward to sports, but because of the constant changing in schools, and the lack of parental support, I really didn't have a chance. So I looked for happiness and roots elsewhere.

After a short relationship with a guy, we were given the opportunity to go to Korea for 2 weeks to pick up some equipment for his Diving instructor with all expenses paid. The catch was we would have to get married in case any political uprising should happen between North and South Korea. I was not up on any of the news, I looked at it from a childs eyes like Barbie and Ken were going to have a wedding, and I could finally impress my Dad that I have done a wonderful thing.

So we did, had an outdoor wedding, impressed my Dad, flew to Korea, and later found after our return that we had both been used by this diving instructor to smuggle deep sea diving gear back to the U.S. for him. It took months to figure out what had been going on, and I wanted out. My partner felt committed to this instrutor and saw a future, I saw danger and kaos and a judge to end our relationship.

The next relationship seemed to be more stable because he was strong, direct, and a leader. I was a little over 20 years old now. He knew everythig about the world he said and I believed him. After time I learned from him that my paycheck went directly into his hands, my feelings still didn't count, when he says jump, I say how high, no matter how late, tired, or sick. If I didn't like or approve of something he did or said, I would feel it one way or the other. I ended up in Lake Tahoe with him to witness his best friends wedding at 2:30 in the morning, and found myself wed to him following their ceremony.

I woke up one day soon after and looked in the mirror at my face. I didn't recognize the little girl in the reflection. She was swollen and marred and crying out for help. She looked familiar, but she was getting older and weaker.

I phoned my father and begged him to allow me to stay with him, that it was a matter of life or death. He agreed. I packed what I could fit into my little car, and said good-bye to all my possessions one early morning. He was at work, but that night I received a call from him and he told me that I would never make it on my own, that I was nothing, a no one. I hung up. I was scared, but I had hoped that was his good-bye.

I had an ok job answering phones at a construction company. What I didn't know was going to change my life forever. Now looking back I can see how much of that life I had allowed to be manipulated, and how much I allowed fear to run my life.

The man I ran away from thought I was going to run back to him out of fear, but I was lucky to have my father at that time. Because I didn't return, he showed up weeks later at my work DRUNK with his best friend and two other friends; a 44 magnum with a 7 and 1/4 barrel and a 45mm automatic. He had come to finalize the marriage, (and to see the manager who I was having an affair with that he had developed in his mind). I was at lunch when the office paged me to warn me of the situation. I went directly to the Police. Once the mananger came downstairs, and he had found that he was a five foot, married, sweet, afro haired Armenian man, he realized he may have drank a little TOO MUCH.

I was met at the Police Station by the owner of our company. Now this was someone to look out for. He had alterior motives from day 1. He was living, dating and working with one girl who loved her cocaine before and after work, he was separated, but in process of divorce, to a coke addict, who loved to party, at work, and now with another girl at work. Wouldn't you know, I later found out he was scheming on me while with his girlfriend, telling me they broke up, telling her they will get back together. All the while allowing his 4 and 5 year old kids to witness his narcissistic lifestyle allowing him to teach by example. The kids never knew whos home they were going to every evening, I guess it depended on if he scored first, or the ex-wife got too high too soon and couldn't care for them. Oh yeah, did I also mention, His mom worked for him also, but he kept her like a kept dog, and his brother who is sweet, but drinks to numb the lips he uses to kiss his brothers ass each day so he can continue to make an easy buck.

I fell for him hook, line, and sinker. He knew I had low self esteem, and he knew how to work it. He was like a drug dealer, he builds you up, your character, your esteem, your love, and then when he wants you to do something you do want, he pulls out all the stops. He takes the love, he shuns you, disgraces and embaresses you, your character, your left with nothing. The individual you had thought you had become over time hangs in the balance of his moods, wants and needs. You find yourself constantly walking on eggshells until his next beckon call. You have no friends now, his friends are now your friends, his world is now your world, his happiness, is now your happiness, and his life is now your life, and he can take your life, happiness and WHOLE WORLD AWAY AT ANY TIME !!!

But now I am married and with a beautiful child.
He now has sexual affairs they are my fault, and he convinces me of that. Through my 9 months of public pregnancy while we took down the Embarcadero Freeway in San Fracisco he freely had a sexual affair with another employee, an on-site secretary. Everyone knew, even the Cal Trans, I think I was the only one who didn't. O.K. I thought about it, but no, not while I'm pregnant! I am incapable of accepting thats what adults do... they have affairs, at least male adults, so he claims. He also claims that female spouses should be mature enough to allow their spouse to have their affairs, and threesomes if they choose.

The spark of light inside me was now a pain inside me I could not identify. All I knew is that something is wrong.

I have again become no one. I had an eptopic pregnancy, which is a tubal pregnancy, and had an out of body experience when my heart stopped. It was beautiful, some would call it a moment of clarity. I was also allowed to be alone with my son for one month with him. I had alot of time to think. Do I want our son to grow up thinking this is what life is about? What and who am I now? What kind of an example are we to our son? Our son is what life is about. so I changed.

I began to rise against him, and let him know that my life is about raising our son, and what he does doesnt matter. He made my life more miserable. I found an opportunity to leave, and I did. I was scared, very scared. I had my son I would protect with my life, I would never allow him to do to make our son into what he had made me into.

He made my life miserable, I was trying to manage a home, a life, and he spent full time manipulating, pushing buttons, putting fear into both my son and myself. Soon I learned I could confide in no one, they were all his friends, I picked up the bottle. It gave me courage, liquid courage. It didn't take long until it controlled me too. I hated myself. I couldn't get him to leave me alone, and now alcohol I couldn't get to leave me alone.

I felt I had failed my son, he would be better off without me. While he was away for 10 days, I drove off the road while intoxicated. I wanted to end mine, and everyones misery. I felt I was the mistake. I survived the crash, and admitted myself into a hospital for help. I wanted to live, I wanted to be there for my son.
This is where I learned I may have a problem with alcohol, so I went to St. Helena for help. There within 24 hrs. they took the medication that was just given to me at the hospital that leveled me off, and they decided to keep me in the psych. side of the hospital until the Doctors came in on Monday. Well, I came there for help on alcohol, not to be put on hold for 3 days on the other side, because the prior doctors put me on prescription medication. So I'm standing in a hall watching people bang their heads against the walls and realize I am not going to stay here for 3 days, I'll go somewhere else. I signed myself out and left.

I ended up at Betty Ford, a wonderful place. I learned so much about alcohol, and its disease, myself, and others. What I wasn't prepared for was what was waiting outside.
My ex shorted my support so half my checks bounced, I had no phone working, I was so weak. He befriended me, all the time scheming to break me while I was weak. Little by little, he did. I took on a job, I moved, I let him manage my bills (which he did not pay) in exchange for support, I was annonymously harrassed. All the while letting my son know I was healthy now. After 9 months and no time for meetings, no moral support, and ongoing kaos, I picked up. Within 30 days my son was on his fathers wknd. I got a DUI, it would now be my second. I was also set up at work by my ex with his credit card, and lost my job.

It is now 3 years later, and all I know is I have to be accountable for everything that I do. Whether I got set up, I used his card, whether the consequences, I picked up and drank, I drove a vehicle while intoxicated, I allowed someone to push my buttons, I was a weak person, because I GAVE someone else power. I HAD fear. I BLAMED.

I am special because God made me. I am different because I am special. I don't know everything, but I will do my best and learn each day. I am not like someone else, I am me, so I cannot compare. I cannot hate, I can forgive. I will not resent anyone, because that will send me out, so I will pray for that person. My past were stumbling blocks, but I will use them for stepping stones. I am an active member of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I keep a concious contact with my Higher Power I choose to call God, and without Him, my son, and their support I would be alone.

I don't know if my son gets to come home, he wants to so bad. It's amazing what an ego can do to a person. The father doesn't care that my son and I have always been together, it doesn't matter that keeping him so far away, and so obsessed in taking me out of our sons life, all because I walked out of his is too bad. I just wish there was a program for normies too. For now, all I can do is pray his hatred, and resentment will go away.

I just thank God I now know who I am. ME. A child of God named Kimi, who will try and do God's will, which is the next right thing each day, I will do my best to learning and grow and set a good example for my son, and remember to have an attitude of gratitude! Everything else is in God's hands.

This is for my son Max 14yrs old I love you, Mom Livermore, California