I am a recovering alcoholic. My name is Bill M. I was born and raised in Hawaii. The Leeward side of Oahu. I grew up in a middle class neighborhood. I am the second youngest of 13 children. 12 boys and 1 girl. Both my parents worked hard. They were very strict when it came to boundaries. They had to be I guess with that many children. Along with working hard came what seem to me at a young age was the pleasure of drinking alcohol.

Why not we deserved it!! Along with this came a lot of domestic problems like fights, abuse, and neglect. At times we were left to think and do for ourselves. During my childhood if was difficult being the 2nd youngest. My youngest brother appeared to be the pet of the family so that left me to defend for myself when it came to hand me downs. I basically fought my way through childhood into my teenage years. By the time I was 14 years old I said to myself, "I wasn't going to be like anyone in my family". So I did what I thought was best for me. Well sad to say I ended up a lot worse off than my family.

The one thing that provided comfort for me was music. During high school I played in the high school band. I carried this talent into my teenage years and adulthood. I played in a rock and roll band in the late 70's and found my way to California. I lived there for 6 years and fell in love with cocaine. Prior to this I drank alcohol like there was no tomorrow and had a few drunken stupors in my time. But nothing in my mind that resembled a problem. I also ended a relationship prior to going to California leaving back a son.

I actually did the same thing in that relationship that I saw growing up. My alcoholism and drug addiction led me to abusing my girlfriend at the time. Well, my cocaine problem was getting out of hand. By this time I was in another relationship and had a daughter. She was everything to me. But my cocaine habit was so bad that it caused separation between my daughter, her mother and me. My bottom in California was sleeping in a trash bin behind K-Mart and 3000 miles away from home. I eventually left California without a band, my music career in shambles, and went back to Hawaii on my dad's expense and with a $300.00 a day cocaine habit.

My wife and daughter eventually came out to Hawaii. I did okay working for my dad for a while but eventually found my true love. Cocaine. My habit took off like a rocket. Before I knew it, I was smoking it! They say you take off right where you left off. That is so true. I was smoking at least $300.00 a day. Ask me how I was able to afford that. If you are an addict like me, you know the answer. I became very resourceful when it came to my addiction. I was working as a certified locksmith with my dad, who had no clue what was going on, and I was addicted to cocaine.

Let me tell you, being a locksmith requires people to have trust in you. If anyone knew I had a problem, it would be the end of my work and my dad's reputation. So I got very good at hiding my addiction. The only one that knew anything was my wife. GOD blesses her because she stood by me through all my experiences with my addiction. Eventually my wife did get tired of the life we were living. She packed her bags and the kids and went back to California. At that time I hated her for what she did. Today I'm forever grateful for her courage. Well I eventually checked into a treatment center with my dad's help. Yes, I found the courage to tell my dad. I was in one of those moments where drugs were not taking away the pain of losing my family.

I kept using cocaine and I wasn't getting high. Ever been in that place? Where all the drugs and alcohol seem to not work anymore? I eventually told my dad I had a problem. He was heart broken but willing to help. Thank GOD for him. Needless to say that treatment was brief for me. But they did introduce me to self-help meetings. This was 1987. I would like to say I took recovery well. But I am what you call a retread. My family came back after 8 months of sobriety. Then I started the whole cycle again. This time it was "Ice". Let me tell you the ride was no fun. Especially having a head full of recovery and a belly full of beer and drugs. I dragged my family through hell all over again to where they found it necessary to leave again!! The year was 1992. By this time I had lost not only my family, but also every possession in my life. Including my dad's respect. And let me tell you, that hurt. I was left with nothing but a smashed 4-wheel drive truck with no registration and license.

Believe me, I had nothing. I was sitting in my truck on February 7, 1992 looking at the sky in the night; I realize it was my birthday. I almost forgot it was my birthday! Thats what drugs do! I notice that the sky was pitch black. Not a cloud in the sky and only the full moon. Then it hit me like a tone a bricks. On my birthday, 35 years old, and I had nothing to show for it. The empty sky resembled my life at that moment. Like the moon in the night, the only thing that was left in my life was I.

The next morning I did the best thing I could have done for myself, I went to a 12-step meeting. February 8, 1992 is my sobriety date. I haven't had a fix or a drink since. I would like to tell you all that took place since that day, but it would take up to much space and time. Today, as a result of recovery I went back to school, I changed my career, my family is back and my children have all grown up. Including that son I mentioned earlier. They have children of their own.

By the grace of GOD my grandchildren don't ever have to see their grandfather high or drunk. I am working as a Certified Substance Abuse Counselor supervising and managing a treatment center in Hawaii. Im currently in school to complete my masters in Marriage and Family Therapy. In 1996 I got certified as a counselor through the ICRC process. I am one of the founding members of the Waianae Men In Recovery who is supported nationwide by NAPAFASA. I have accumulated a wealth of new friends that support my recovery I have gain the respect and trust of my family which is the biggest one, and most of all I have a genuine purpose today. I have been able to travel to places I never been before. My life is second to none today. All because of recovery. Don't get me wrong, I have my challenges, but I know that a fix won't make them better. So many changes have taken place in my life in the past 14 years. I am blessed to be in recovery. I would like to think that the moment in my truck back in 1992 was a moment of clarity or even a spiritual experience. But because of that moment, I was lifted from despair, and rocketed into recovery. I am truly grateful for my dad who is now deceased. GOD bless his soul, my wife for she has endured, my children, my friends in recovery, and most of all, GOD. For being there for me in spite of myself. I hope that who ever reads this story may be touched by it. And if it makes a difference in their life, I have done my part in this liberation process. Its the lease I can do for so many others that have taken the time to do for me.

Aloha,
Bill M.
Waianae Men In Recovery Waianae, Hawaii
Waianae, Hawaii